Are You Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships? | HuffPost Australia
Self-sabotage can be a hard thing to recognize, but it causes many of us to ruin Why do we destroy relationships with those who love us? . They can also create a false definition of yourself because of the fact that you've internalized them. "When a relationship moves to a new level and the commitment strengthens, some people may get nervous and subconsciously try to sabotage. Sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight explains there are six key signs you're self-sabotaging your relationships.
You know when you are dating someone really amazing and everything is going really well, and then, all of a sudden, they seem to be heading for the hills and you're wondering what the heck went wrong? You thought you did everything by the book, yet when the next one comes along the same thing happens again.
So naturally, out of self-preservation or perhaps lack of knowledge, you will start to blame them instead of concluding that maybe you are contributing in some way. At the end of the day, we become the common factor in our string of broken relationships and it is up to us who we want to invite into our lives and what we do that contributes to making them want to stay.
You haven't dealt with your past. People who self sabotage tend to keep bringing the same issues into every relationship and releasing them on their unsuspecting dates. They do this by a placing high and unrealistic expectations on them, b being too needy and insecure or c putting up walls and keeping them out in fear of being hurt.
Most of the time we aren't even aware that we are letting our past control our present, however once you start to live and date more consciously, you give yourself a better chance at the future. The same problems keep arising. The best way to tell if you self sabotage is to write down a short timeline of each romantic relationship you have had.
Do you see a pattern emerging?
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Do they all start to back off or run away at a certain point? If you were to ask each one of them why it didn't work out, would they give you the same answer? It's not easy admitting our problems or coming face to face with the truth, but identifying the underlying issues means that you can then arm yourself with the tools to improve future relationships.
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It casts doubt on our abilities, undermines our desires, and convinces us to be paranoid and suspicious toward ourselves and those close to us. This anti-self fills our mind with critical self-analysis and self-sabotaging thoughts that lead us to hold back or steer away from our true goals. Without realizing it, we tend to internalize attitudes that were directed toward us by parents or influential caretakers throughout our development.
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For example, if our parent saw us as lazy, we may grow up feeling useless or ineffective. We may then engage in a self sabotaging thoughts that tell us not to try, i. If we grew up with a self-hating parent, who often viewed themselves as weak or a failure, we may grow up with similar self sabotaging attitudes toward ourselves. For instance, if our parent felt critical of their appearance, we may take on similar insecurities without realizing it.
We may feel easily self-conscious and less sure of ourselves in social or public situations. When we fall victim to our critical inner voice and listen to its directives, we often engage in self limiting or self sabotaging behaviors that hurt us in our daily lives. This is a power you can cultivate.
If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. We can familiarize ourselves with our critical inner voice and notice when it starts to seep in to our thought process.
For example, if we often feel embarrassed or ashamed and, as a consequence, hold ourselves back socially, we can start to push ourselves to be more outward and open. Differentiating from these behaviors is essential to leading happy lives. In their book The Self under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiationco-authored by Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, we describe the four steps involved in differentiation.
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Step one involves separating from the destructive attitudes critical inner voices we internalized based on painful early life experiences. The third step involves challenging the destructive defenses or adaptations we made to the pain we experienced growing up.